(SBA) - What is grief and how long should grief last? Grief is a physical and emotional reaction to the loss of someone who is dear to that person. No two people experience grief in the same way; many people worry that they are not grieving “correctly.” In 1969, Dr. Elizabeth Kubler-Ross, published “On Death and Dying” which sought to quantify grief into seven stages, like a ladder because a grieving person begins at the lowest rung and then moves upwards through stages of “Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, and Testing” until the griever attains the highest level of a response to grief, “Acceptance.” This model may work well for some to visualize, in reality it is nonsense. If grief were a ladder, then there would be plenty who fell back to lower rungs, sometimes daily.
Instead, grief cannot be measured, nor can anyone predict how long grief will last. Some grieve like Miss Havisham in Dickens’ 1861 novel, “Great Expectations” who, when jilted at the altar, continues to wear her wedding dress every day for the rest of her life. Others, like singer Celine Dion, simply go back to work, although her grief is palpable. But grief is a universal human experience—no one escapes either the death of a loved one, nor their own death. Soon after Dale’s death, I received a letter of condolence from Sanford Hospital as well as a hefty pamphlet, “Living with the Death of a Loved One.” Because grief is so painful and at times, overwhelming, many face grief with the fear that they are not grieving “correctly.” It is normal, however, to feel tightness in the throat and/or heaviness in the chest, to feel “empty”, to look for something to do, but find it difficult to concentrate, to have problems sleeping, to feel angry at your loved one for leaving you, to feel your mood changing over the slightest things and to cry at unexpected times.
The Sanford pamphlet does a good job of outlining what to expect at one, three, and six months after the death of someone, and provides a list of what a griever will need after a death—time, rest, nourishment, exercise and diversion, security, hope, acceptance of care and the need to set new goals. A sudden death upsets life completely and requires the one who is grieving to be gentle with themselves. A person may need permission to cry and to find a place where that person can be alone with their own thoughts. The pamphlet also names attributes to help the grieving person to cope—courage, patience, resilience, perseverance and endurance, the capacity to distance oneself, a sense of humor and an openness to others who want to support you.
Shepherd of Peace Lutheran Church sent me a condolence letter and a pamphlet, “A Time to Grieve” by Kenneth Hauck as well as sending a team of two women involved in “The Stephen Ministry” who go out about twice a month to talk to someone who is grieving. Leigh Starr and Cheryl Watterson spent two and a half hours with me last week, simply talking. Inside the Hauck pamphlet is a poem from Psalms 6:2-3
“Have mercy on me, Lord,
For I am faint;
Heal me, Lord, for my bones
Are in agony,
My soul is in deep anguish
How long, Lord, how long?
A dear friend of mine, upon hearing that Dale had died, told me simply, “Don’t lose your faith.” Dale and I were both strong in our faith and the members of my church, Community United Methodist Church have been more than caring. The first Sunday after Dale’s death, our entire congregation was in mourning because Dale had been a pillar of our church, beloved by all. Everywhere I look in our church, I see Dale—in the three crosses he built in the narthex of our church, in the two handicap accessible bathrooms he designed and built and in no area more prominent than others, in the kitchen that he rebuilt and enlarged from one room to two. When I was divorced many years ago, I found the only place that I could mourn for the loss of that marriage was in church and I cried every Sunday for over a year. It was the only place I felt safe to grieve. I have yet to cry at Community United Methodist Church, but I know that I have the support of the congregation if I do cry there.
Grief is normal, natural and necessary. We will all experience grief in our lifetime, so remember to be like the Good Samaritan to people who are grieving and examine the ways that you will grieve your own losses, if that time hasn’t already come.
