(SB) - Recently, I read a book called THE HUSBANDS by Holly Gramazio. The book was the April selection for the “Read with Jenna” book club. The premise of the story is that an unmarried woman in her late twenties returns to her apartment after an evening with her friends at a bachelorette party to discover that she is married and the whole trajectory of her life has changed. As Lauren spends the next few days puzzling out how she could be married to a man, Michael that she never remembers meeting, one afternoon her new husband ascends the attic stairs to change a light bulb and abruptly disappears. The man who descends from the attic is a new man and over the next few days, Lauren realizes that her attic is filled with potential new spouses. All she has to do is to send one man up the ladder and a new man appears. For the next year, Lauren finds herself married to over 160 different men and she comes to realize that at some point, she needs to stop trying to find a “better” husband and to start actually “living” with a choice. An original debut novel, THE HUSBANDS explores how we navigate life, love and choices in a world of never-ending options.
This book was great fun to read and made me wonder what is involved in choosing a life partner. Noam Shpancer, PhD., writing for “Psychology Today” uses the “Laws of Attraction” to explain how we choose our mates. All of us meet hundreds of people over the course of our daily lives, but amongst those people, to whom are we attracted? Dr. Shpancer says most of us will marry someone who lives within walking or driving distance, an area that enlarged by attending college far from home or moving to a different area. Shpancer cites the “evolutionary theory” that claims that behavioral tendencies, physical characteristics and personality features that promote our chances to survive and to reproduce become, by that virtue, desirable to us. Studies show that when it comes to long-term relationships, women overall emphasize the importance of a mate who is emotionally stable and intelligent while men find female youth highly attractive.
The ”social role theory” developed by the American psychologist Alice Egly argues that social—rather than biological—processes dictate our marital choices. According to this theory, mate selection rules are dictated by the roles that men and women occupy in society. Almost forty years ago, when I sat for my interview prior to acceptance in my doctoral program, I was told by the all-male selection committee that if I completed a doctorate, I would never marry again because men did not want a woman with a superior education to them. At the time, I was in the midst of disentangling myself from a horrible first marriage and did not intend—ever—to remarry. The day that I met Dale Petersen 25 years ago, however, I would have married him on the spot!
American researchers Shackelford, Schmitt and Buss analyzed the responses of more than 9,000 men and women from 37 countries to a questionnaire about their preferences regarding potential life partners. The researchers identified four universal components underlying the process of mate selection. 1) Love vs. Status/Resources—if the love is strong, potential mates may sacrifice security or economic status conversely, if a potential partner’s status is high, the other person may compromise on romantic feelings. 2) Dependable/Stable vs. Good Looks/Health—when choosing a partner a couple may compromise emotional stability if both partners are physically attractive and vice versa. 3) Education/Intelligence vs. Desire for Home/Children—home and children may be sacrificed if one or both spouses may pursue higher education and a career. 4) Sociability vs. Similar Religion—a potential spouse may be attracted to another potential spouse if that spouse is very sociable by nature and vice versa. In general, women place more importance on socio-economic status. Men emphasize external beauty, youth and physical health and a desire for children.
There is no scientific answer yet to the decision in choosing a spouse. In the final selection process, we do not choose the one most like us from the candidate group. Biology and society may direct us to our most suitable mates, but in the final choice, we must decide on our own. Unfortunately, in over 50% of first marriages and almost 70% of additional marriages, the first choice is not a successful one. Even in the popular television show, “The Golden Batchelor,” the marriage failed after three months. Those of us who find the spouse who loves us unconditionally are lucky. Those of us who do not, may end up lonely and alone. We must be grateful when we are fortunate to find a mate who completes us. If you are interested in reading Gramazio’s THE HUSBANDS. I have donated my copy to our public library.
