By Ann Petersen, SBA Columnist | 02/19/26
(SBA) - Last week, one of my friends did her neighbor an early morning favor and drove her son to Sergeant Bluff High School. They arrived at 8:08 a.m., but the boy requested that he stay in the car until 8:12 a.m. My friend agreed and over the next four minutes saw just a few students trickle into the building, an action my friend found strange, as school begins at 8:15. Then, the moment 8:12 struck, hordes of students appeared and entered the building. My friend was not sure where all of the children came from but assumed that they were waiting in their cars for the “magic moment” to arrive, giving all of the students just three minutes to collect materials from their lockers and make their way to their first period classes.
My friend and I were both perplexed as she and I both looked forward to the time before school began when we could snatch a few minutes of conversation with our friends, chat about homework or ask questions that would be helpful to know the answers to before the school day began. Whether we had ridden a bus or driven to school, those precious minutes before we had to be in class were important, especially if we had not seen those friends or “significant others” since the Friday prior to a weekend or the day before. So, we wondered, why do students today not take advantage of those early morning minutes?
Teens appear to be masters at keeping themselves occupied in the hours after school, and for way too many of them, into the hours past their bedtimes. Either doing (or not doing) homework, they are on their phones or computers texting, sharing, scrolling or whatever. Prior to the advanced levels of social media available today, students kept themselves busy on phones or even in person as they connected with others. It may have appeared to their parents that they were just goofing around, but in reality, they were trying out skills, and succeeding or failing at real-time interactions that kids today are missing out on. Modern teens are learning most of their communication skills by staring at a screen instead of another person. Sadly, texting and online communicating puts everyone in a context where body language, facial expression and even the smallest kinds of vocal reactions are, essentially, invisible.
Learning how to make friends is a major part of growing up and friendship requires a certain amount of risk-taking. It takes courage to be honest about your feelings and then to hear what the other person has to say. “Part of healthy self-esteem is knowing how to say what you think and feel even when you are in disagreement with other people.” (Dr. Steiner-Adair, the Child-Mind Institute) But when friendship is conducted predominantly online and through texts, kids are interacting in a context that is stripped of many of the most personal and sometimes intimidating aspects of communication. It’s easier to keep your guard up when you’re texting, so less is at stake. You are not hearing or seeing the effect that your words have on the other person. Each party has more time to consider a response. No wonder many teens do not like talking on the phone, because they consider such interactions “too intense.” One of my friends says that when her son wants to invite someone over after school, she has to call the other mom because her son finds talking on the phone too intimidating. But what happens when students grow up without sufficient practice in the crucial art of “talking”?
The other danger of indirect communication is that anonymity can lead to cruelty. Kids text all kinds of things that they never in a million years would say to someone face-to-face. Relational aggression, particularly in girls, comes from insecurity and wanting to put others down so that they will feel better about themselves. “The more identities that you have and the more time you spend pretending to be someone you aren’t, the harder it is to feel good about yourself.” (Dr. Steiner-Adair)
Technology, particularly smart phones, means that teenagers (and others) are never really alone. When I was at physical therapy last week, I was shocked that every teen who was there for rehab was on their phones. How can they expect to get better if that can’t, even for a little while, focus on their bodies and not on their phones? Conversations never stop. The silence in waiting for a response can be deafening.
So, how do we counteract this situation? For one thing, parents can be mindful of how much time they spend communicating indirectly. There need to be times at home when the others with whom we live see our faces and not just the tops of our heads. Mealtimes could be technology-free. Certain hours in an evening could be dedicated to conversation so that children feel listened to, and they need to talk about their problems or even just about what is going on in their lives. How many times have we attended school events and found those around you paying more attention to their phones than to their children who are involved in a school activity?
As parents and grandparents we have to assure ourselves that we raise children who can engage with others face-to-face, communicate effectively and foster relationships that are healthy and long-lasting. We need to start today, as tomorrow may be too late.
